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Cinta Kedua

December 13, 2011 by murtiyarini

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Majalah Parents Desember 2011

Sepenggal kisah tentang kekuatiran untuk jatuh cinta lagi.

Artikel ini dimuat di majalah Parents edisi Desember 2011.  Bisa dikatakan saya beruntung. Majalah ini adalah lisensi Parents USA yang cukup ketat dalam menerima tulisan dari penulis lepas.  Setelah berlangganan sekitar satu tahun, saya memahami gaya selingkung majalah Parents serta topik-topik apa yang diperlukan oleh pembaca.  Dengan kenekatan, saya mencoba mengirim ke redaksi.  Sangat membanggakan akhirnya nama saya terpampang sebagai penulis disini.

Saya bercerita tentang kegalauan saya sebelum memutuskan untuk hamil lagi. Banyak pertimbangan, misalnya apakah Cinta akan menerima adiknya, apakah saya bisa berbagi kasih, apakah keceriaan kami bertiga (saya, Cinta dan suami) akan tetap ada.  Dengan bumbu berupa pengalaman cerita-cerita teman-teman yang telah beranak lebih dari satu, tulisan ini akhirnya selesai saya buat.  Ini merupakan tulisan favorit saya, karena terasa sekali perjuangan untuk menulisnya, juga idenya yang sangat mengena di hati dan berbeda dari tulisan-tulisan lain.

Berulang kali saya membaca tulisan ini, belum bosan, karena syarat cerita perjalanan batin saya menjadi ibu.  Dan saat tulisan ini telah dimuat, saya sudah mempunyai dua anak, yang kecil berusia 1 tahun.

 

Ini tentang kekuatiran untuk jatuh cinta lagi..

Saya merasa seperti berada dalam mesin waktu dan tiba-tiba terlempar beberapa tahun ke depan ketika menyadari putri pertama saya, Cinta, sudah berusia 4 tahun. Begitu larutnya dalam kebahagiaan (dan kelelahan) mengasuh anak, hingga saya lupa sudah saatnya memberi Cinta hadiah terpenting dalam hidupnya, yaitu seorang adik. Saya baru tersadar ketika seorang teman yang anaknya baru berusia 2 tahun mengabarkan berita kehamilan keduanya.
” Hayoo..kamu kapan nyusul? Cinta sudah besar lho..” Kata teman saya memanas-manasi, dan kenyataannya saya memang mulai merasa gerah karena pertanyaan serupa telah saya terima berulang kali baik dari teman dan keluarga.

Saat itu saya mengira Cinta belum siap untuk mempunyai adik. Yang terbayang adalah setiap hari akan ada rengekan si sulung mencari perhatian ketika perhatian hampir semua orang terpusat pada si bayi. Karena itu saya kaget kita suatu hari Cinta menanyakan kapan dia mempunyai seorang adik bayi yang lucu. Terusterang, saya tidak yakin dia akan benar-benar rela dengan kehadiran anggota baru di rumah yang berpotensi menyita perhatian ayah-mama nya. Tapi ketika Cinta memohon berulang-ulang, saya merasa inilah saatnya untuk bersiap-siap hamil lagi.

Masalah utamanya ternyata bukan ada pada putri saya, melainkan pada perasaan saya sendiri. Meskipun telah mempunyai pengalaman hamil dan menguasai teori-teori pengasuhan bayi paling baru, saya toh masih merasa enggan untuk hamil lagi.

Tampaknya saya begitu menikmati perasaan sayang pada si sulung. Setelah kehadiran bayi baru, apakah kelak kita akan tetap menyayangi anak pertama sebesar saat ini ? Apakah momen-momen indah kami bertiga (saya, suami dan Cinta) akan tetap ada? Saya takut Cinta yang sekarang adalah anak yang manis akan berubah sikap karena haus perhatian. Bisakah kami bersikap adil ? Ketakutan-ketakutan saya tersebut membuat saya merasa belum siap untuk ”jatuh cinta” lagi, apalagi berbagi cinta.

BERJALAN ALAMI
Kapankah saya siap menanti kehadiran cinta kedua? Saya bertanya kepada beberapa sahabat yang sudah mempunyai anak lebih dari satu. Mereka berbagi tentang bagaimana cara mereka mengelola perasaan.

Dan hasilnya, hampir semua dari mereka mengatakan hal tersebut akan berjalan secara alamiah.
”Secara naluri, rasa sayang itu tak akan berkurang kepada sang kakak, malah sang kakak akan mendapatkan kasih sayang baru dari sang adik” demikian nasehat seorang sahabat saya.

Awalnya mereka juga khawatir kehilangan momen-momen kasih sayang dengan si sulung. Mereka baru percaya setelah benar-benar mengalaminya, bahwa cinta mereka tidak terbagi antara anak pertama dan berikutnya. Setiap anak membuat orangtua jatuh cinta dengan keistimewaan masing-masing

Rekan saya yang lain sempat merasa ragu bagaimana membagi cinta pada kedua putrinya. Pada saat itu, ia merasa belum ingin menduakan cinta yg menurutnya masih menjadi milik anak pertama. Ketika anak kedua terlahir, perasaannya secara alamiah mencintai kedua buah hatinya dalam porsi yang sama. Tapi dalam urusan menikmati rasa kasih sayang, dia berterus terang merasa lebih berat pada si kecil, dengan alasan sederhana, karena terlihat lebih lucu dibanding sang Kakak.

Berbagi perhatian bukan berarti berkurangnya kasih sayang. Berapapun jumlah anak dalam sebuah keluarga, bukan berarti kasih sayang orangtua dibagi-bagi, melainkan semuanya mendapatkan satu cinta yang utuh 100%. Memang, tidak mudah memahami perbedaan antara berbagi perhatian dan berkurangnya kasih sayang. Tidak heran, jika banyak orangtua yang baru memahami setelah menjalaninya, dan mereka merasakan sensasi kebahagiaan yang bertambah.

KESIAPAN ORANG TUA
Kesiapan orangtua untuk memulai kehamilan kedua melibatkan kesiapan fisik dan mental. Mengatur jarak kelahiran sangat menentukan kesiapan tersebut. Jeda waktu ini bersifat relatif bagi setiap orang. Sebagian orangtua mungkin merasa jarak ideal antara anak pertama dan kedua 3-4 tahun. Pada jarak ini selain anak pertama sudah cukup besar untuk mengerti dan bisa bersikap mandiri, sudah cukup pula waktu untuk menyusun kekuatan untuk hamil lagi. Tapi jika usia sang ibu sudah mendekati 35 tahun, mungkin akan memilih “kejar tayang” meskipun anak pertama baru berusia 1-2 tahun.

Untuk menambah kesiapan, saya membuat rencana jadwal bagaimana meluangkan waktu untuk kakak dan adik serta kegiatan apa saja yang dapat dinikmati bersama. Meskipun tidak harus persis sama durasinya, paling tidak keduanya mendapatkan cukup perhatian yang membuatnya merasa disayang. Jadwal terencana ini juga membuatnya lebih tenang dan menghindarkan dari rasa bersalah berkepanjangan.

Adanya pihak pendukung baik itu orangtua, mertua, asisten ataupun baby sitter akan menambah kesiapan orangtua. Suami adalah partner yang paling dapat diandalkan. Saya membuat komitmen dengannya, ketika perhatiannya saya sedang tertuju pada si kecil, suami wajib mengambil alih tugas menemani sang kakak.

KESIAPAN SI KAKAK
Saya diingatkan untuk tidak kaget jika si kakak yang semula mandiri akan kembali bersikap kekanak-kanakan ketika dilihatnya si adik mendapat perhatian yang begitu banyak. Kesiapan sang kakak juga menjadi pertimbangan kapan orangtua akan menghadiahi seorang adik padanya. Saya melibatkan si kakak dalam proses kehamilan, seperti mengajaknya ke dokter kandungan, memintanya mengambilkan vitamin kehamilan atau mengajaknya merasakan tendangan dari dalam perut akan membuatnya mengenal sang adik lebih awal. Saya katakan satu manfaat yang menyenangkan dari kehadiran adiknya, yaitu sebagai teman bermain yang seru.

Saya menjaga agar lingkungan keluarga kompak menjaga perasaan sang kakak. Jangan ada yang meledek atau menakut-nakuti si sulung akan kehilangan perhatian. Lebih baik mereka meyakinkan si sulung bahwa dia akan lebih berbahagia dengan kehadiran adiknya.

Kadang kala, kecemburuan si sulung sebenarnya hanya ketakutan orangtua yang belum tentu terbukti. Nyatanya, ketika si adik lahir, si sulung justru merasa senang dan bisa mengungkapkan rasa sayangnya. Memang diperlukan dukungan dari suami dan keluarga untuk menciptakan suasana yang kondusif agar si sulung merasa nyaman dan tidak merasa berkurang perhatian orangtuanya.

BELAJAR BERLAKU ADIL
Tidak ada orangtua yang dengan sengaja lebih sayang pada satu anak daripada lainnya. Akan tetapi, kadangkala lebih mudah bekerja sama dengan salah satu anak saja karena berbagai alasan, misal karena sifat yang lebih mirip, hobi yang sama atau lebih mengerti anda.

Perbedaan kebutuhan setiap anak menjadikan anda sulit menentukan porsi perhatian dan kasih sayang yang adil. Saat si adik lahir, dia akan menyita lebih banyak perhatian saya. Dilain sisi, sikap cemburu si kakak , akan menyadarkan saya bahwa masih ada seorang anak lagi yang juga masih butuh perhatian.

Bagi anak, keadilan bisa diartikan dalam bentuk perhatian dan pemberian benda-benda yg mereka inginkan. Anak mungkin akan protes jika mainan milik adiknya berbeda dengan miliknya. Dalam usaha berlaku adil, saya tidak harus membelikan dua mainan sama persis. Saya ajarkan terutama untuk si kakak bagaimana harus berbagi dan saling meminjam. Seiring bertambahnya usia, pemahaman konsep keadilan disampaikan pada anak agar anak mengerti bahwa pemenuhan kebutuhan setiap orang berbeda-beda.

Bukan hal mudah untuk bersikap benar-benar adil seperti yang direncanakan sebelumnya. Sepertinya, tidak ada orangtua yang benar-benar sukses menghindarkan kecemburuan adik-kakak. Protes dari salah satu anak atau keduanya adalah hal yang umum terjadi. Dengan berulang-ulang mentjelaskan bahwa perasaan mama-papa pada mereka adalah sama, lama-kelamaan mereka akan mengerti. Bahkan, tak hanya kasih sayang dari kedua orang tua yang mereka dapatkan, melainkan juga kasih sayang dari saudaranya.

Hadiah terbaik
Saya akhirnya berhasil meyakinkan diri bahwa saya akan memiliki kasih sayang yang utuh untuk anak-anak saya. Tak ada untungnya terus mempertajam ketakutan yang belum tentu terjadi, lebih baik saya bersikap rileks membiarkan perasaan berjalan secara alami. Saya akan menikmati keistimewaan masing-masing anak dan merasakan kekaguman yang berbeda pada mereka.

Lagipula, kehadiran seorang adik adalah hadiah terbaik untuk sang kakak. Kelak mereka akan merasakan indahnya memiliki saudara, yaitu sebagai sahabat yang setia.

Ditulis untuk Majalah Parents Indonesia

 



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